Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*first day as a dog catcher

“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”

*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*

[ first day as a villain ]

him: hi, how are you

me: very evil, thank you

My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.

all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real

This January has 47 Mondays

Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares

Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack

Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage

I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.

When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him

I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.

“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”

Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake

“So you haven’t?”

Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there

My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?

You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.

(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat

me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen

wife: I have some in my purse

me: naaaaahhhh

I’m not sad, I’m big moaned

dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings

“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”

got a pretty bad nosebleed at work and everyone was like “omggg are you okay” and i was treated like a princess and then half an hour later my coworker one upped me by having a seizure lol

Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.

When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.

When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.

Adult: What’s that a drawing of?

Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family

My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER

My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.

This is your brain-
*holds out egg*

This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*

*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME

Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.

Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.

*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados

My favorite fruit salad is sangria.