Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘I know a black person’

– White people

Me checking my bank balance online.

Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible

Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo

-911 what’s your emergency?

-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.

We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off

– airlines airlining

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted

I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.

me: are you checking me out

librarian: yes

I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue

Me, 30 seconds later:

*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*

fava beans
a nice chianti
dave

I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.

Football player: please God, let my team win

God: ok sure, that’s simple enough

Football player on other team: God please let my team win

God: oh no

Empathy: I feel you

Sympathy: I feel for you

Lycanthropy: I feel awoo

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?

“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”

[funeral]

minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*

guy in casket: i am literally dead

My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body

“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???

Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.

Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.

I know this now.

Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶

[screaming into the void]

MARCO

Wife: We need a new fridge.

Me: This is a terrible day.

Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.

Me: This is the best day of my life.

What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?

A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.

The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head

HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.

ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.

Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist

Him: So tell me something about yourself.

Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.

Him: What?

Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.