crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
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I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
#Caturday
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Me: I wish something of mine would go viral.
*youngest comes home from school with the flu*
Me: Not like that.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*