crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
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Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Is this a threat?
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Would you wear it?
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.