crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
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My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
#MeanwhileInCanada
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.