Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Crazy how some people consider swimming to be a sport when the only alternative to it is drowning.
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What kind of name for a storm is “Debby?”
Hurricanes should have names like “Satan”
No one should have their house destroyed by “Heather.”
To people calling themselves “Grammar Nazis”: you’re not correcting grammar so much as punctuation or spelling. Hi, I’m a Nomenclature Nazi.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
A really hot girl asked me for my number today and all I had to do was hit her car with my car.
Renee Zellweger is living proof that if you keep making that face it’s going to be stuck that way forever