Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.

Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.

*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*

Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4  kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away

My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.

Update: going to a party where you don’t know the people is like seeing a movie sequel when you didn’t see the original.

You can still have a good time but you don’t really know what’s going on

The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.

Start calling divorces “incidents”

Level up on that intrigue

Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?

I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.

[meeting with boss]

“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”

“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…

Roses are red, violets are-

Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!

Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.

UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?

Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio

Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?

Her: Justice.

My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.

*tries to turn on TV*

TV: I have a boyfriend

Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet

Red carpet: I’m so bruised.

Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice

As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.

me: got any weekend plans?

me: gonna get chubby

me: yah me too

*walks in at 3am*

Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.

[front door 5hrs later]

Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?

If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.

Me: I love fresh bed linen

Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Wife: actually I’m holding my son.

Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?

Wife: oh god.

Kidnapper: what?

Wife. you have my husband.

Whenever I need a good laugh…

…I start reading suggested serving sizes.

never signed up for a 401k cuz there’s no way in hell i can run that far

[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall