Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.

Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.

It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.

*lays head on homeless guys lap*

“You would not believe the day I had”

A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….

The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.

The only good comments section online is on recipes

DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?

Me: no I just look like that

My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”

Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses

I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.

My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead

This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him

Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57

If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone

I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?

#parenting

this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin

Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice

The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.

I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.

My mood is currently on “shuffle.”

Dentist: Any sensitivities?

Me: I don’t like being called names

Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy

Me: *tearing up* Dude

Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp

Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES

Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.

How to be a beautiful woman*:

– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws

*Awesome dragon

Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW