Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop blaming your parents.

You’re 32.

Blame your spouse.

Taxi driver: Where to?

Me: Inbetween one and three.

Taxi driver: Get out.

Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.

i want the dreams to chase me for once

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman

Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.

i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.

do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.

The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating

7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*

Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.

7-year-old: It was their planet first.

i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”

IT: You deleted the OS?

Me: I think so.

IT: It didn’t warn you?

Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?

A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.

Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.

I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.

*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*

When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?

Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

[first day as a 911 operator]

guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!

me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh

So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?

No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!

For all I know, you could be a vegan.

me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***

*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms

When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.

I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.

why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem

it’s important to know at least one guy who you find really annoying but who is also very similar to you. it keeps you humble and aware

i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making

a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you

Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do

<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.