Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.

Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.

Me: Like this?

Friend: No, not like that

Me: How about now?

Friend: Please stop

Me:

Them: I know you mean well –

Me: I absolutely do not

The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.

guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here

I’ve been drinking.

[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.

When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.

Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-

Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?

Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.

The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.

That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”

I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.

Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two

boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok

[later]

announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd

me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks

These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times

-me during my whole shift

Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.

Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner

The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.

swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again

I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?

…Anybody?

Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.

I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.

When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.

Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc

I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.

“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”

well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem

me: ahh vacation

brain: time to relax

me: no work

brain: well it’s still there

me: stop

brain: just… waiting

me: please

brain: g r o w i n g

me: no

I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.

*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity

My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.

He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.

But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.