Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.

*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier

I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.

SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms

How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?

Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex

One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”

There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.

I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.

I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”

Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”

My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.

The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.

So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?

The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.

Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?

7-year-old: Donuts.

I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?

[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.

Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.

Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.

ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains

a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?

I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.

Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.

My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow

“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease

I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.

FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.

Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead

Box: *violently shakes and hisses*

Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox

Box: *screeches threateningly*

My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.