@ChickenFrecklez

Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.

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@cellapaz

my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”

@nameterminated

All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.

@MarieLoerzel

You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.

@Home_Halfway

[Park]
PARENT: They grow up so fast. Which one is yours?
ME: *smiling proudly* The cat over there biting that blonde kid

@truegritrumble

(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.

@The_JRM

I sometimes lie awake and wonder how much useful information I’ve left out of my brain to make room for these Hanson songs.

@don_haworth

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich

@Bagyants

Student loans: because you should know what it’s like to be one of the poor people you’re always going on about

@NapVeg

tbh spending 4 full minutes singing about how u didn’t start the fire makes me a little suspicious about ur involvement in the fire