Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@mom_ontherocks

My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.

@Smooheed

According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch

but I can’t throw my chair at him

@AndrewChamings

PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.

KID: Okay.

PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.

@Milariou

I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.

@AllyBallyBeal

Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me

Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more

@Darlainky

*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*

Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…

Me: *starts digging again*

@rafiki_yako1

If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?

@weinerdog4life

Ugh, I hate wearing this towel while my wife washes my cape.

@Just_Lee_

The world is full of terrible people, but there’s none so evil as the man who fries bacon right next door to the gym.

@EyeSeeYou619

ME: Hello cheesecake, my old friend
DARKNESS: Okay wow, I’m right here