Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.

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my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”


All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.


You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.


PARENT: They grow up so fast. Which one is yours?
ME: *smiling proudly* The cat over there biting that blonde kid


(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.


I sometimes lie awake and wonder how much useful information I’ve left out of my brain to make room for these Hanson songs.


I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich


Student loans: because you should know what it’s like to be one of the poor people you’re always going on about


tbh spending 4 full minutes singing about how u didn’t start the fire makes me a little suspicious about ur involvement in the fire