My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
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According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*
Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Ugh, I hate wearing this towel while my wife washes my cape.
The world is full of terrible people, but there’s none so evil as the man who fries bacon right next door to the gym.
ME: Hello cheesecake, my old friend
DARKNESS: Okay wow, I’m right here