Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

centipede: *walking by*

Ariel: whoa what’d you trade

Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)

[portal opens]

dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!

gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-

dark lord: not now gary

They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”

If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.

Cilantro tastes like soap.

– People who eat soap, apparently

robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest

goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back

CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother

FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always

CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin

What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.

My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.

ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.

Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?

Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.

Mine has been gone 6 years.

You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do

GENIE: You have three wishes.

ME: I wish I had a million dollars.

GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.

Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.

I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

[terrible nursing home]

Old guy: How did you end up here?

Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.

Him: *gasps* You monster.

There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”

Winnipeg!!

Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.

7-year-old: How late can I stay up?

Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.

7: I’m going to bed now.

Mugger: Give me everything you got

Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*

*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*

Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.

I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.

I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?

Because the rest were not-E.