crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
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*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
I think about this a lot
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Owl Sanctuary
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Me: please wait a little longer
Her: you’re a liar and I’m leaving!
She turns and storms off. A few seconds later, the baseball I threw all the way around the world whizzes into my glove. It’s too late. It took too long. I must train to throw harder if I’m ever to find a wife.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.