Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor

Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING

Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.

Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too

My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.

Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.

How do I rate our solar system?

One star

My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.

I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)

Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)

Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.

So, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫

I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.

My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover

The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE

*adds pineapple to your lasagna*

Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.

If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids

Me: *taking a family photograph*

Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?

Listen, I hate you…

I’m just not… IN hate with you.

At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.

My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night

The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.

sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online

You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March

I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.

911: what room is the body in

me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird