Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after the flood]

noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends

god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow

noah: that doesn’t really help

god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends

SICK’EM SPIKE!!!

[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]

Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.

my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades

[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.

(Entering heaven)

Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?

Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?

*seductively annoys the shit out of you*

*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach

“Your rescue request is very important to us…”

Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.

I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old

*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*

*silence*

Am I even in the right parking lot?

My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.

I hope google does well on my son’s test

[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree

A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.

[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man

Him: I missed you

Me: I missed you too

*we both reload our duelling pistols*

“Time is of the essence”

Twitter: Hahaha nope

As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.

You: 2020 couldn’t get worse

Murder Hornet: Hold my venom

Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?

I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.

Me: I’m tired

My brain: turn on the tv

Me: but I need sleep

My brain: go pay some bills

Me: I’m so exhausted

My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes

A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank

My neighbor complained that he couldn’t afford his water bill. So I got him a get well soon card.

ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse

COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?

ME: It’s like a big, fast dog

McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns

Me: yep

McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family

Me: my what now?

Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.

Me: Jack.

Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.

Me: Jack.

🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet

Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.

I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.