Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss: you’re late

me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour

boss: did it work

me: no, I think I need better shoes

Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.

Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂

Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.

Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’

Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’

Cashier: ‘Eh?’

For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.

PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers

WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu

*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”

To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off

Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.

13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.

Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.

day 16 of being stuck in:

me: shall I have another glass of wine?

my wall: yes catherine splendid idea

Him: what are you doing

Me: gas is so cheap right now

Him: ok but–

Me: *continues filling bathtub*

Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄

*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.

My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.

[Blazing hot day]

Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.

~ My mom.

Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL

I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism

911: 911

me: I think my smoke detector is broken

911: is there smoke?

me: how would I know?

911:

me: 911 how would I know?

“What time is it?”

*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*

*Still has no idea what time it is*

What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

Titanic passenger: iceberg

Titanic chef: no its romaine

Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!

Chef: oh no!

Passenger:

Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad

me making someone eat a chip with my mind

Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%

So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying

if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.