Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
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This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
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Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.