Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
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Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
trying to live my life in a way so if i get shot people don’t talk about how sexy and correct my killer was
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.