Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”
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I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Breaking news:
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
🧠
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.