Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!

Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia

Me: what’s that???

Doctor: exactly what it sounds like

“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.

It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us

My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.

6:32 a.m.

Me: Good morn—

6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated

North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.

No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.

[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside

Papa john’s: order a pizza!

Mama john’s: we have pizza at home

If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian

boss: you’re fired

me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?

Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?

Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.

I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact

This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.

Sir, this is a crime scene.

“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”

*the man grating parmesan stops*

“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”

I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle

*on a first date*

Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal

Me: aw thanks

*turns to the waiter*

Me: do you have pony meat

I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?

3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.

I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.

Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.

1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed

1 AM: I should reorganize the garage

What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?

If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.

[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget

constantly working on myself.

I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.