Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
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Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.
My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Happy birthday to all the women
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Why call it a “step dad” when you could have called it a faux pas?
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*