crazy
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Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
*aggressively waits in line*
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.