Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
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If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
It’s that simple 👊🏻
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Des Moines Police having a normal one
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”