Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”

SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore

OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut

Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.

I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.

I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.

Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.

I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.

[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee

Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.

[Ouija board]

O spirits, let me talk to m-

C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I

*squints*

What the heck?

A 3G board?

Top Four Signs of Job Security:

4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss

I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off

Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.

[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]

*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*

My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS

*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.

I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!

-Don’t you mean pig?

No. He tried to eat my couch!

Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.

Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.

THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.

5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese

JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.

hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol

Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*

Angel: so what are these?

God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need

Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it

God: that’s a potato

Angel: it must be really good for you then

God: lol…no

Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?

Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee

My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.

To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*