Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
You Might Also Like
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like
[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]
Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.
6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?
I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.
My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.