Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
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A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Who’s ready for Friday?!
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
