Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
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Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
😭😭
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him