Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
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Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Might fuck around and respond “sorry, I’m on a bye” if my family asks me to do anything this week.
If only
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group