@POTerritory

Created by Jews, saves humanity.

Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.

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@thecassiecao

why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti

@2Saddington

Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10

@Grabnpuss

You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.

But it was nice of you.

@Divergentmama

I can’t be certain, but pretty sure I just heard the dishwasher scream “please no more” when I walked in to the kitchen.

@Cheeseboy22

Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.

@LouisPeitzman

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.

@ShawnIzadi

Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.

@SteveKoehler22

Why do countries “cut ties”
when things get tense ?

So weird having men walk around
in suits and half ties.

@Fab_Mommy_

My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.