Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
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I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck