Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
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The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?