Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!

Wife: How’d you do?

Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!

Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.

My house: I ALWAYS WIN

I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.

[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?

justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner

mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah

me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead

friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”

me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”

I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning

pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that

It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.

An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough

*praying for world peace*
God:

It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting

My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*

Answers phone breathlessly

Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…

Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*

Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?

Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.

Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.

Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?

Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.

If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.

Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum

Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*

[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you

I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.

ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5

12YO: that’s not how it works

ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?

12YO: both?

i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat

If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home

When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.