Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[break room]

coworker: what’s for lunch?

me: [eating] food, generally

cw: no, I mean what are you having?

me: an unwanted conversation

…but like… what if I WANT new socks for Christmas?

Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.

TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”

I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email

Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.

Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.

Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you

If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it

Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.

Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?

first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?

I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.

My birthstone is kidney

[on a date with a european]

Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?

It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.

But it’s harder to deter gents.

Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void

Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class

I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.

I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti

What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?

Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that

Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.

[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]

💀💀

I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!

Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.