Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.

Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…

I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.

If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.

my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo

Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.

I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.

Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour

Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.

What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?

Me: when is your birthday

Her: March 1st

Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?

In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive

found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.

hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting

me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong

hypnotist: idk whatever

[later]

me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much

My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…

[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still

So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.

wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD

One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning

Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.

women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.

women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.

[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]

“And you said I’d never be your favorite”

it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman

Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.

Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?

Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.

Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.

Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*

This has made my week.

“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper

She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.

AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.

THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.