*Creating a new social media app*
“It’s good but will it divide people? If not then what’s the point.”
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I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush