I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
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Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Reporter: *ports again*
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’