@ClichedOut

[creating anchovies]

God: How can we ruin pizza?

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@Cheeseboy22

Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”

@SondraDeeMe

I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.

@juliussharpe

Gotta be careful. My astrologer just warned me someone pretending to predict the future would steal my money.

@sensual_dad

a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials

@Bizarro_Mark

I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.

@RichHarris2

If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.

@JimmySelfDest

Mother in law found me… On the twitter

This will be converted into a pineapple upside down cake blog for the next 72 hours.

I’m so sorry

@Writethatdown12

Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”

@prufrockluvsong

Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.

Me:How do you pronounce that?

*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together