I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
God: How can we ruin pizza?
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Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
“ok start it up”
“give it some gas”
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Just so everyone knows: The bank shut down my debit card because it suspected fraudulent activity and the purchase I had to review was two tickets to see CATS
Gf: on a scale from 1-10, how annoyed are you with me right now?
Gf: I can do better than that
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t