@ClichedOut

[creating anchovies]

God: How can we ruin pizza?

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@Danny_Dilford

I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car

@Barack_and_Joe

Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?

*Biden raises hand*

Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?

*Biden lowers hand*

@iamspacegirl

My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.

@murrman5

“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”

@gobmentcheese

I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.

@Cheeseboy22

I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.

@stephenjmolloy

Taxi driver: Where to?

Me: Inbetween one and three.

Taxi driver: Get out.

@SMVidaurri

Just so everyone knows: The bank shut down my debit card because it suspected fraudulent activity and the purchase I had to review was two tickets to see CATS

@DaddyJew

Gf: on a scale from 1-10, how annoyed are you with me right now?

Me: 8

Gf: I can do better than that

@AnOrangeSNES

[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]

Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t