[creating anchovies]

God: How can we ruin pizza?

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Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”


I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.


Gotta be careful. My astrologer just warned me someone pretending to predict the future would steal my money.


a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials


I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.


If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.


Mother in law found me… On the twitter

This will be converted into a pineapple upside down cake blog for the next 72 hours.

I’m so sorry


Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”


Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.

Me:How do you pronounce that?

*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together