[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
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I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar