[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
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*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
aura
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.