Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.

When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.

You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃

“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs

I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.

As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips

How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.

Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now

Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier

Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier

The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”

We are all that mom.

Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?

Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so

Doctor: Reese is a lovely name

Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces

Dear plastic wrap,

I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.

– me

*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

*unsubscribes from newsletter*

*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*

*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*

14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal

Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow

“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough

Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.

One more Forever that didn’t last.

I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂

I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.

[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.

Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved

It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.

*Pikachu dies*

Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.

*ghostbusters arrive*

Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon