Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s white & falls from the sky?

“The coming of the Lord.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.

Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”

A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.

Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.

[on a rocket which just launched into space]

Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.

Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.

mom: you’re grounded

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[20 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn

“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”

My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse

[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak

Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken

“Houston we … are fine.”

Female astronaut probably

interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?

me: umm I believe those are from the space bar

I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.

Not at all I replied.

Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.

Me: did I pass?

Driving instructor: *swimming away* no

[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son

ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what

Him: I eat healthily

Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else

Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”

The Conjuring 3:

Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.

The kids torment them back.

They’re better at it.

The spirits flee.

Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.

rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants

What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?

Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water

J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials

Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators

Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period

[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden

I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?