Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.

Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.

Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.

[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed

I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans

“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee

“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts

Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra

Well, this certainly took a turn

I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”

me: omg you’re dying

my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room

me: [crying] I wish I could help

I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑

I have nothing positive to report.

Except that roadside drug test.

Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did.

MOM: Where’s your father?

Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”

Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows

I’m not like most teenage girls. I’m a forty-one year old man

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????

[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]

Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…

God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.

I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season

[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?

Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody

My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.

I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it

New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.

I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much