(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
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so no one told you life was gonna be this way
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
cats when you pet them too long:
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload