Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.

Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.

I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.

I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”

No, please lie, I insist!

It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter

Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..

“Read that again”

No thanks, it sucked the first time.

Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know

-my toddler, at bedtime

14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.

If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??

Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed

Lion eating me: sorry

I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.

EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed

TRUMP: What op-ed?

EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?

Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics

idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them

“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”

*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn

me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains

friend: how long has it been

me (looking at watch): 4 hours

*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*

Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”

My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”

[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?

[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews

FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight

ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?

FRIEND: um, like…to dinner

ME: cool, cool

me: hey siri

siri: (long, deep sigh) what

The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.

My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor

her: can you pick up the house

me: *putting on back brace* I can try

I’m going to the gym now.

Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.