[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
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You saw nothing. I am ham.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate