Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.

If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.

I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.

I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?

Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes

All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.

Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?

[liquor store]

Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.

Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*

Him: Oh, it’s you.

[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame

we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes

I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.

Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?

Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy

“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot

[party]

friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike

piñata: *struggles against ropes*

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?

BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.

ROBIN: What?

BATMAN: What?

Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control

Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)

My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.

Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever

guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening

king: the gods are angry with us

advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano

king: how would that hel—

advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what

What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?

[doctor hooking wires to my chest]

ME: What are you doing?

DOC: Echocardiogram

ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test

Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined

Me: no

Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.

Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.

How did people charge their phones before electricity?

Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.

I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store