Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.

*working in pediatric ER*

me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!

kid: what is that *points to badge*

me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha

kid: it looks the same today

me:

You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice

The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.

Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠

Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”

Guy: “It’s completely full.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”

My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.

YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

😸

A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.

To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.

Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business

“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost

Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea

Attacked by a mop.

If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally

i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better

[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews

“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”

“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.

Body: We need to sleep

Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?

Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS

How to properly lift a body

When the doctor asks about my sex life.

Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: *weaving through traffic*

PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?

Stuffs more popcorn in my face*

Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?

I went from rags to one rag.

grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?

me: no. one only.

what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar