Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.

HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl

Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?

911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.

Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.

Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!

The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.

34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time

Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search

Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult

date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”

STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant

DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…

STICK BUG WIFE: …and?

DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick

10,000 chores when all you need is a nap

i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t

Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?

My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.

I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.

DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?

ME: it’s a tip

DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight

ME: *hands him $20 bill*

If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*

(by @ZachWeiner )

Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.

The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.

Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else

Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?

Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.

I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.

say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets

I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?