Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭

I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.

Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad

*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*

Me: h-how are you smoking??

Me: Do you remember when I told you-

Husband: No.

WAITER: room for dessert?

ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here

interviewer: what are your strengths

me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it

interviewer: what about weaknesses

me: my mom’s a mess

[in bed]

me: was that thunder?

wife: i didn’t hear anything

dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”

Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*

Boss: that is NOT a costume..

*looks gift horse in the mouth

Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.

Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.

My eyes: *see baby on board sign*

My brain: surfing infant

You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?

-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.

Gravity is just the earth being really clingy

If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will

My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.

She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.

[trying on a camouflage jacket]

Me: how much is this

Store Clerk: how much is what

First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.

Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.

Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.

Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.

Pat: Thank you.

Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?

TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it

Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.

My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.

computer: choose a password

me: TheScarletLetter

computer: password cannot contain symbols

One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.

[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan

me: am I awake or dreaming

a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is

it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things

A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.