[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
You Might Also Like
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots