Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
hey girl are you a holiday gift ribbon because you’re spiraling.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
