Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
i got 4 brain cells and they’re the Madagascar penguins
You’re never alone. Theres mold
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
