[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
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last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
I can also cook 😂
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Sing it!
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.