Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep

rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants

Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading

For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.

[at office Halloween party]

Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards

Read “intermittent fasting” as “internet fasting,” and I think I may have inadvertently stumbled upon the healthiest lifestyle change ever

*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!

be careful

SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot

ME: Wow

SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion

ME: Ok

SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot

“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.

Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That

I never met a cheese I didn’t like.

They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys

Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.

Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”

They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.

Roses are red
Violets are blue…

I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.

Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”

HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES

Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!

[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up

You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.

*gets first nose bleed since childhood*

Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?

SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning

The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?

Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work