Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.

A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.

I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.

“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up

The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.

Black Friday through the years:

2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July

[first Craigslist transaction]

Seller: so

Buyer: yeah

Seller: do…do I kill you ?

Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you

*Trying to converse at a party*

Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding

Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals

WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?

ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!

My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.

i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street

DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are

ME: Ok

DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut

ME *lip starts trembling*

DENTIST: I see

It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.

Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.

What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?

Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.

Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.

science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”

FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.

My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.

WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?

SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN

*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*

Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.

And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.

I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.

Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?

Me: My bladder mostly.

I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.

Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.

I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.

Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it

6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?

Me: I did not know that.

6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.

Dear Satan…

For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.

Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??