Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming

[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]

Me: I got killed by a shark once

Operator: 911

Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?

O: Relax sir, is this her first born?

Me: No, this is her husband.

My ex’s were all super hot

I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling

[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here

bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend

Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹

My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.

Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.

“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.

People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel

pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”

When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.

Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.

My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall

hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated

My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.

Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office

How about daylight saves us for once

We cut our bangs at dawn.

inflation so bad pets are getting jobs

George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.

Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.

Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.

Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?

Me: *stops the car* get out!

her: *texts something funny*

me: *types hahahahaha*

*stares at it*

*deletes one ha*

Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.

Her: So, what is your major?

Him: I study forensics.

Her: Dude, that’s just 10!

My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out

[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s

Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.