[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
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I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*