Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
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My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
bias laundering edition
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.