Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.

Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶

Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there

I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season

If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…

Me: but what should I say?

Brain: ask her if she likes meat…

Me: What?

Brain: c’mon man, do it…

I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”

Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.

If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.

People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.

PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.

is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?

Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.

Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan

[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men

[Standards Bar]

Politician: Make it a double.

Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.

Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.

Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.

judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”

I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.

[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this

My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.

Hope he finds a ride home.

The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now

[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”

BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!

“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”

Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*

Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.

My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!

I believe I can flyyy.

I believe I can touch the skyyy.

I believe I was mistaaaken.

I believe I’m faaalling.

I believe I’m gonna diiiie.

Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”

I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?