Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping

My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level

‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’

– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.

Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.

what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.

oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.

Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.

I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.

When your man makes a valid point

Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.

*ernest hemingway voice*

I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes

[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]

*finds all 7 dragonballs

*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”

“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog

They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.

I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.

“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear

waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?

me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.

In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.

ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.

ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.

I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.

Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.

Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?

Wanna see awkward?

Hand me a baby.

me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?

therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy

If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.

If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms

Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.

I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.

*tosses another water balloon from my roof