[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
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Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that