Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today

Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?

If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.

They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now

*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops

Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together

I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”

STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF

Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.

I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere

-Me about my kid’s toys

Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe

I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one

Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there

Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.

One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.

You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.

Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”

1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.

This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.

*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*

“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”

My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”

I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.

“How did your

*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*

favorite sports team do in their

*looks down again*

sporting contest today?”

*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.

I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there

It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.

Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?

2019: “How you like me now?”

Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.

Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.