Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:

1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony

I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.

[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]

I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.

I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.

me: *applies to cult*

cult: no thx

My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.

Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

I can’t find my toddler.

I can’t find the duct tape.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

❄️

Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet

Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.

3-year-old: OK

*breaks into song*

*turns on every talking toy*

*detonates fireworks*

PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible

*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?

former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.

“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults

Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.

My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.

(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT

can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead

Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.

me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*

My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.

Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.

Me: Was it Don Henley?

Therapist: Have you ever had a job?

Me: I once worked at a zoo

Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?

Me: Definitely not a penguin

Therapist: what

Me: what

If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner

*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh

Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?

Client: sadly no. Just you.

Me:

Client: I didn’t mean it like that!

We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.