@bingowings14

[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.

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@jonnysun

what idot labeled all the orange juice labels w/ “no pulp” insted of “pulp fiction”

@meladoodle

this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes

@DiabloJodi

Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.

But five stoned guys will start a BAND!

@TonyWIVK

BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.

Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.

@climaxximus

me: have you seen my shoes?

dad: I saw them on your feet once

me: I’m serious can you be more specific

dad: hi serious, I’m more specific

@dhumann

Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.

@AngryRaccoon2

My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*

Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”

@wildethingy

When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.