[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
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wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Pikachu found the lost joint
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”